auditions

Monologue

Please note, translate this monologue into Acholi. Stick to the lines, but you can improvise and create new words during the translation if it makes sense to do so. And if it will help you deliver something comic. Remember, it’s a performance, take us through the various emotions, and show us how you deliver jokes and we’ll get in touch.
This monologue is unisex, but do change the mwoc names to suit the character you are addressing. If a man addressing a woman, you might use ‘Anyadwe’ or maybe ‘Tyena-teda’ and if a woman addressing a man, perhaps call him ‘Layeng-yeng’ or ‘Otira’ or anything else you think has humor.

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 Anyadwe, I showered. The water was extra cold, and it had me dancing like MJ in the bathroom. (mimics dance, laughs) But I showered…. Ah no…. I did not forget to pay yaka. I went to pay but just as I was giving them the money, okwata was standing right above us and pooped on the money. It was the only note I had. They refused to take it because of the pupu and when I tried to wash it…. iiii, layom cwiny, don’t you trust me?… Eh? My dek ngor. Come on….

I’m hungry. What do you have for me? Oh roasted layata Aha! (eats and spits) Eeee! What is this?…. Even if I forgot to buy charcoal, does that mean you give me cold food from two days ago? Eh?… What is the problem? Eh? Is there something else? Why this silence? Has a ghost passed between us?….

Oh that? That is a condom. Where did you get it?…. Umm I don’t know what you are talking about. It doesn’t belong to me…. I don’t know where it came from! It must have fallen from heaven! Oh… you got it in my pocket? Really? You think I’m stupid? You think if I was cheating I would go around carrying condoms in my pocket for you to find? I’m not stupid. I could have emptied my pockets before coming back home. But why do you even think I need them? I’m married! If that condom was in my pocket, then it means someone put it there so that I can use it and avoid making babies fwaa. Don’t be angry. You can be angry only if you got a used condom, but one that is still sealed? It doesn’t prove I’m cheating on you!

Monologue

Please note, this monologue is for both male and female. If you are male, then make your date a female, and if you are female, you know what to do. Stick to the lines, but you can improvise here and there if you feel it will help you deliver something comic. Remember, it’s a performance, take us through the various emotions, and show us how you deliver jokes and we’ll get in touch.

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I’m starting a podcast. I know, you are rolling your eyes like a dog that has seen meat but doesn’t want you to know that it has seen meat, and you are saying, hmmm, another podcast! Now mbu everyone who has a phone becomes a vlogger? Eh, just enter my taxi, when you get tired say “maso awo, ku muti wa fenne,” and then get off and eat your fenne in peace.

One day, I went on a date, yet I had this big pimple – ah, you are saying, Naye, kweli you also have pimples? I mean, look at this face! The secret is, they pay me to get pimples. Nanti I’m an influencer for skin care creams. They give me money to get pimples, then their products remove the pimples, and I say, see, this was before and after you use Mangofere Pimple Cream.

Anyway, one day those things failed. It was like trying to cook pilau and ending up with burnt beans. The pimple grew big, ayayaya, my face had a swollen hump like an anthill, and I was there, looking at myself in the mirror, my face full of “what just happened?” Gwe, pressure!

So I called my date to cancel, but they told me, “tofayo, come the way you are.” They thought I had money, and if you have money you’ll date anyone, even if your face looks like a Kampala road – you know, with enough potholes to fill a minister’s pockets with cash – ah, let the drone not come for me. Let’s stick to the story.

So me and my date are chilling in a bar when a ghost enters. A big and scary ghost. And it breathed fire and said, “Those drinking whiskey, line up here. Those drinking beer, line up here. And those who are on a first date yet they are going to ask for transport money, line up here. If you don’t, I’ll kill you.”

Ah, gwe. Everyone was scared. Within a minute the terrified drunkards had formed zigzag imitations of lines, and try as they might, they couldn’t form straight lines. I thought the third line would have no one, but eh, I thought only women ask for transport money on the first date, but even men? Now, everyone was on the line, but my date remained seated. They were scared, but they refused to obey the ghost.

Very furious, the ghost roared with cannibal intent! “Rrrrrrr! You, why are not not obeying me! I’ll kill you if you don’t join a line!” My date was not moved. They sat there looking at the ghost as if it was their mother – you know, when your mother has beaten you so many times that you stop fearing her slippers. She gets angry, and you lie down and say, “You beat. When you get tired, you’ll stop.” Eh, when you tell your mother such a thing, expect fire. So this ghost grew even bigger, and roared even louder. And again, I said to my date, “Why are you not afraid of the ghost? Why won’t you join a line?”

Trembling, my date replied in a timid voice, “I’m waiting for the punchline of this joke.”